Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
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5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
me refusing to leave twitter