One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?