I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
me hooking up with my ex
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Cardio Made Easy
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him