Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
😂💯
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.