Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Ironic
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.