FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
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14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
When you kidnap a writer.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid