Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.