My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
You Might Also Like
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever