When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
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All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
my favorite genre of twitter
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[montage of me giving-up]
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My patience has stretch marks.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site