HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*