This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I think about this a lot
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I have so many questions.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.