(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
rapatouille
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me My dog
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation