[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
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from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.