I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
You Might Also Like
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*