Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
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friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Happy Caturday!
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets