$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?