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50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣