my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Wasps: bees, but not helping
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.