Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Growing up was a huge mistake
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?