If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.