friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.