My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Only Americans understand
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.