Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.