I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me