1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Uh oh…
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[shakes fist at other fist]
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement