I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
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Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why