People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
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Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about