Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
You Might Also Like
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️