Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Looking at you, Jesus.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed