Sounds like a bargain
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My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.