“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
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My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Very problematic
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace