I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
You Might Also Like
Saturday
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty