[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
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“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
i spent way too long on this
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Bartenders are just boneless bars
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.