Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Krampus.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
umm…
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?