I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
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To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes