My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?