I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
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[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Thursday
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
bout dat hot dog summer
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
doing some research
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.