I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My favorite type of men is ramen.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.