[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
You Might Also Like
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!