Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.