I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into