INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!