Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL