My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy