I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.