He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Goodnight 🐶
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.