If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u