My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.