Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
You Might Also Like
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.