Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…